Tip #8: Side Effects They Don't Advertise

Oh yeah... blogging...

Okay, so I have already accidentally erased two previous attempts at this fucking entry, so it will now be short and sweet.

As of today, I will have lived in New York for one month. It is hot and terrible out here. Most days I feel like I am in way over my head, and that I have finally made the ultimate miscalculation in the flaming aircrash I seldom refer to as a life. The place I live is a nauseating little slice of hell, and I can't spend more than 2 hours here without wanting to leave so badly I could shit blood. Also I think I am getting asbestos poisoning. Then there is the job. Imagine someone puking on your soul before gang raping it. Seriously. Think about it. How can an arguably non-existent ethereal aura such as a soul be puked on? Or raped for that matter? I don't know either, but they are doing it. My anxiety has been running in the red so consistently that I don't even notice it anymore. I think my ulcer has finished off my stomach and is now working on my intestines since I rarely eat, but often defecate. Fuck. I need more beer...

But there is still Jamie and Keith. And Mazal. And the Sparrow. And Central Park. I guess its not that bad.

(For those less dramatic/spineless, this sort of shrill shoegazing is referred to as homesickness. I hear it passes.)

Tip# 7: Vaginal Itching

I don't know the exact date when my mileage rolled over, but it occurred to me today that it has been at least a year since I have had sex. There are a number of reasons for this, though I have my favorite scapegoats.

More to the point, mostly due to my own potent inability to interact with other human beings, I think I may be neurologically incapable of experiencing carnal knowledge any longer. I guess I don't really have anything funny to say about this...huh.

In any case, hanging out with Jamie and Keith is just about the next best thing. At least I can vicariously experience the joys of a happy relationship through those two. New coolest restaurant: Angelica Kitchen. All vegan organic dishes. Not cheap, but I'm full. Fuck you wallet.

Tip #6: Bedding

The Upright Citizens Brigade improv nights are the poop with corn! Laugh that ass retarded!

Also sweet is the bar, Sparrow, in Astoria. Coolest dive ever? Lets not get ahead of ourselves, but the bartender did look like an indy rock Chuck Manson, and played Anti-Pop Consortium, Bowie, and Flaming Lips in harmonious succesion. Also, he gave me free drinks for being new.

Finally, Aerobeds, such as the one I am using, have various stages of inflation ranging from Serta-fied to Used-Condom. Current condition: I just came.

Tip#5 Haircuts

Tip# 5

Haircuts

After receiving a twelve dollar haircut, pretend that you are not shocked to look like a medieval lesbian. No matter who recommends the place, no matter how credible they might seem, don’t believe the hype. At twelve dollars, your cut will suck. There is no cheap, secret barbershop that gives stylish cuts. It doesn’t exist. Stop looking, and shell out the cash. Please.

Tip#4 Saturday Night Crap Parties

Tip#4

Drinking

This begins the first of what I’m sure will be numerous tips on the art of drinking. Yes, drinking is both the anxious man’s best friend and his worst enemy. You will find that getting drunk is one of the few harbors in the shitstorm that most of us foolishly refer to as life.

Yes, alcohol has that rare and cheap ability to erase all of the loneliness and disappointment which a life on the sidelines can accrue. However, while drinking is probably the easiest way to get rid of all that annoying anxiety and social palsy, many will thankfully find that alcohol also leads them to new highs of nervous worry, and inconceivable lows of self-loathing. Did I really say that? Was she mad? Does he want to hurt me? Why can’t I remember why my dad is dead? All these questions and more are waiting for you at the end of a bottle.

Even if you are in a new city and you don’t know anybody to offend, drinking to excess can still lead to ridiculous misadventures with startlingly worrisome consequences.

I recommend going out on a Saturday, preferably in one of the trendiest areas of the city (as though you know where that even is…) this will ensure that those around you will look anywhere from 9 to 10 times better than you. There is no way you can ignore it, so wallow in it. Let this inadequacy fuel your need for more booze. You are not going to meet anyone in this crowd, so fuck it, get drunk. Now if things have gone to plan, you should be stone drunk by midnight. Now, get one more paint-peeling cocktail because it is always a good idea to indulge that pathetic hope of the miraculous last minute walk-in (P.S. Everyone knows you are not waiting for someone, so quit looking around like you are hoping to see them. You look stupid.).

At this point, don’t walk back to your subway stop, but instead just wander. You have to sober up a bit, or something. After a few minutes in the fresh night air, you will probably get a regrettable second wind and convince yourself that you still have a chance of making that connection. This is a four o’clock town after all! Full of liquid courage, head to the next bar that looks marginally suitable, and start ordering beers even if they only come by the six-dollar bottle. You’re not cheap anymore either! Now drink as many of these as you can until four o’clock. Don’t worry, you won’t meet anyone, you’re now the creepy wasted guy at the bar! After the bartender politely tells you it is time to go, throw that bindle full of remaining dignity over your shoulder and leave.

Well, that’s about it. There is no way you are finding your way home now. All you can do is give yourself over to the mercy of the city. Why not find a park and sleep in it. Try for large dry fountains featured in multiple movies for added poetic effect.

When you wake up, if you are not being raped, beaten, or arrested, do not be surprised if your wallet is missing. However, do be surprised about the fact that the thief was courteous enough to take your I.D. from your wallet and replace it in your pocket. It’s a strange world. Drinking just helps us remember that. Stay nervous.

Tip #3: Hygiene

When starting a new job, it is important to make a strong first impression. To this end, I suggest that you neglect to put on deodorant for one of your first days at work. This way, both you and your new co-workers can spend some quality time together trying to decide who wafts of rotting trash. Is it you, or the scabby, peeling mendicant sitting in the Mystery department? Only you know for sure! (*wink*)

It should also allow you to become overly self conscious about raising your arms around other people. This bizarre phobia will give you the look of a down syndrome t-rex as you flail only the bottom halves of your arms in hilarious attempts at looking casual.

All together, your scent and its fallout should soundly guarantee that you alienate your fellow employees and possibly garner a few choice looks of unfettered disgust. Stay nervous!

Tip #2: Tips for Nervous Eating

Tips for Nervous Eating

If you find yourself anxious or apprehensive due to a new living situation, you may want to consider changing your eating habits. Forego food intake to the greatest extent possible. Turn eating from a three-a-day buffet into a once-a-day chore. Choose the most convenient, nutrient deficient lump of detritus billed as food to fill that annoying bitch, your stomach.

For added effect, smoke as many cigarettes as biologically possible. If done properly, you will quickly develop a slight, but painful cough and a nagging sore throat. These symptoms are terrific for instigating fears of high health care costs, lung cancer, and days off of work.

The combined effect of these steps should also leave you with the sunken, decrepit air of a glowing methamphetamine user, no matter what outfit you choose! In addition, your vitamin levels should quickly become unbalanced, reinforcing any anxieties or neurosis with unexpected mood swings. By forgetting to eat, you will also find that that you have more free time, leaving you available to explore your new surroundings or go see a movie (preferably, The Devil’s Rejects, a violent, disturbing road trip adventure that will both reinforce any fears you may have of other people, and conversely work as a cathartic release of the hatred of establishment figures which you have been accumulating. Highly Recommended).

Tip #1: Finding an apartment in the big city

Finding an apartment in the big city-

1. When looking for an apartment in a large metropolis which you have rarely visited, make sure that you time your move-in to coincide with the local college move-in season. This will ensure that your options are limited, and those that are open to you are far away from any hip residential centers, or convenient locations. It will also allow you to visit spaces in the worst parts of your new city, barely fit for human occupation and rife with potential physical harm. Even in daylight!

2. Be sure that your timetable for finding an apartment is unrealistically shortened by as many logistical pressures as possible, such as: starting a job, not imposing on friends, or not having enough money for temporary housing. This will guarantee that your stress level will grow exponentially, and when you do find a marginally habitable space, you can jump into a lease without doing the proper research. By doing this, your new place is sure to have that not-as-nice-as-I-thought look that many apartment hunters miss out on.

3. Take your new roommates at face value. If they seem like good people, you won't know for sure until it is too late. Do not be put off by common criteria such as: knowing anything about them, or asking questions about prior roommates. Now, when they are not home, you are free to dread their arrival for hours on end. Who knows what they might have up their potentially homicidal sleeves! (This step is imperative to the completion of step two)

4. Finally, put all of your eggs in one basket. Give them whatever deposit they ask for, even if it empties your bank account. If they don't make you sign a lease, even better. Now, when you come home on day two to find that your key no longer fits, and your ATM card is useless, your only recourse will be to sleep in the street and become one with your new city. Since there is no official record of your transaction, legal action is not even an option, saving you the court costs and hassle of getting your things back.

In the event that the renter/roommates turn out to be legitimate, continue worrying about these, and any other negative possibilities until all trust in your new found living situation is ground to a harsh paranoia by the terrible millstone of the unknown.