Tip#4 Saturday Night Crap Parties
Tip#4
Drinking
This begins the first of what I’m sure will be numerous tips on the art of drinking. Yes, drinking is both the anxious man’s best friend and his worst enemy. You will find that getting drunk is one of the few harbors in the shitstorm that most of us foolishly refer to as life.
Yes, alcohol has that rare and cheap ability to erase all of the loneliness and disappointment which a life on the sidelines can accrue. However, while drinking is probably the easiest way to get rid of all that annoying anxiety and social palsy, many will thankfully find that alcohol also leads them to new highs of nervous worry, and inconceivable lows of self-loathing. Did I really say that? Was she mad? Does he want to hurt me? Why can’t I remember why my dad is dead? All these questions and more are waiting for you at the end of a bottle.
Even if you are in a new city and you don’t know anybody to offend, drinking to excess can still lead to ridiculous misadventures with startlingly worrisome consequences.
I recommend going out on a Saturday, preferably in one of the trendiest areas of the city (as though you know where that even is…) this will ensure that those around you will look anywhere from 9 to 10 times better than you. There is no way you can ignore it, so wallow in it. Let this inadequacy fuel your need for more booze. You are not going to meet anyone in this crowd, so fuck it, get drunk. Now if things have gone to plan, you should be stone drunk by midnight. Now, get one more paint-peeling cocktail because it is always a good idea to indulge that pathetic hope of the miraculous last minute walk-in (P.S. Everyone knows you are not waiting for someone, so quit looking around like you are hoping to see them. You look stupid.).
At this point, don’t walk back to your subway stop, but instead just wander. You have to sober up a bit, or something. After a few minutes in the fresh night air, you will probably get a regrettable second wind and convince yourself that you still have a chance of making that connection. This is a four o’clock town after all! Full of liquid courage, head to the next bar that looks marginally suitable, and start ordering beers even if they only come by the six-dollar bottle. You’re not cheap anymore either! Now drink as many of these as you can until four o’clock. Don’t worry, you won’t meet anyone, you’re now the creepy wasted guy at the bar! After the bartender politely tells you it is time to go, throw that bindle full of remaining dignity over your shoulder and leave.
Well, that’s about it. There is no way you are finding your way home now. All you can do is give yourself over to the mercy of the city. Why not find a park and sleep in it. Try for large dry fountains featured in multiple movies for added poetic effect.
When you wake up, if you are not being raped, beaten, or arrested, do not be surprised if your wallet is missing. However, do be surprised about the fact that the thief was courteous enough to take your I.D. from your wallet and replace it in your pocket. It’s a strange world. Drinking just helps us remember that. Stay nervous.
Drinking
This begins the first of what I’m sure will be numerous tips on the art of drinking. Yes, drinking is both the anxious man’s best friend and his worst enemy. You will find that getting drunk is one of the few harbors in the shitstorm that most of us foolishly refer to as life.
Yes, alcohol has that rare and cheap ability to erase all of the loneliness and disappointment which a life on the sidelines can accrue. However, while drinking is probably the easiest way to get rid of all that annoying anxiety and social palsy, many will thankfully find that alcohol also leads them to new highs of nervous worry, and inconceivable lows of self-loathing. Did I really say that? Was she mad? Does he want to hurt me? Why can’t I remember why my dad is dead? All these questions and more are waiting for you at the end of a bottle.
Even if you are in a new city and you don’t know anybody to offend, drinking to excess can still lead to ridiculous misadventures with startlingly worrisome consequences.
I recommend going out on a Saturday, preferably in one of the trendiest areas of the city (as though you know where that even is…) this will ensure that those around you will look anywhere from 9 to 10 times better than you. There is no way you can ignore it, so wallow in it. Let this inadequacy fuel your need for more booze. You are not going to meet anyone in this crowd, so fuck it, get drunk. Now if things have gone to plan, you should be stone drunk by midnight. Now, get one more paint-peeling cocktail because it is always a good idea to indulge that pathetic hope of the miraculous last minute walk-in (P.S. Everyone knows you are not waiting for someone, so quit looking around like you are hoping to see them. You look stupid.).
At this point, don’t walk back to your subway stop, but instead just wander. You have to sober up a bit, or something. After a few minutes in the fresh night air, you will probably get a regrettable second wind and convince yourself that you still have a chance of making that connection. This is a four o’clock town after all! Full of liquid courage, head to the next bar that looks marginally suitable, and start ordering beers even if they only come by the six-dollar bottle. You’re not cheap anymore either! Now drink as many of these as you can until four o’clock. Don’t worry, you won’t meet anyone, you’re now the creepy wasted guy at the bar! After the bartender politely tells you it is time to go, throw that bindle full of remaining dignity over your shoulder and leave.
Well, that’s about it. There is no way you are finding your way home now. All you can do is give yourself over to the mercy of the city. Why not find a park and sleep in it. Try for large dry fountains featured in multiple movies for added poetic effect.
When you wake up, if you are not being raped, beaten, or arrested, do not be surprised if your wallet is missing. However, do be surprised about the fact that the thief was courteous enough to take your I.D. from your wallet and replace it in your pocket. It’s a strange world. Drinking just helps us remember that. Stay nervous.
posted by eric at 9:37 PM
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