Tip #1: Finding an apartment in the big city
Finding an apartment in the big city-
1. When looking for an apartment in a large metropolis which you have rarely visited, make sure that you time your move-in to coincide with the local college move-in season. This will ensure that your options are limited, and those that are open to you are far away from any hip residential centers, or convenient locations. It will also allow you to visit spaces in the worst parts of your new city, barely fit for human occupation and rife with potential physical harm. Even in daylight!
2. Be sure that your timetable for finding an apartment is unrealistically shortened by as many logistical pressures as possible, such as: starting a job, not imposing on friends, or not having enough money for temporary housing. This will guarantee that your stress level will grow exponentially, and when you do find a marginally habitable space, you can jump into a lease without doing the proper research. By doing this, your new place is sure to have that not-as-nice-as-I-thought look that many apartment hunters miss out on.
3. Take your new roommates at face value. If they seem like good people, you won't know for sure until it is too late. Do not be put off by common criteria such as: knowing anything about them, or asking questions about prior roommates. Now, when they are not home, you are free to dread their arrival for hours on end. Who knows what they might have up their potentially homicidal sleeves! (This step is imperative to the completion of step two)
4. Finally, put all of your eggs in one basket. Give them whatever deposit they ask for, even if it empties your bank account. If they don't make you sign a lease, even better. Now, when you come home on day two to find that your key no longer fits, and your ATM card is useless, your only recourse will be to sleep in the street and become one with your new city. Since there is no official record of your transaction, legal action is not even an option, saving you the court costs and hassle of getting your things back.
In the event that the renter/roommates turn out to be legitimate, continue worrying about these, and any other negative possibilities until all trust in your new found living situation is ground to a harsh paranoia by the terrible millstone of the unknown.
1. When looking for an apartment in a large metropolis which you have rarely visited, make sure that you time your move-in to coincide with the local college move-in season. This will ensure that your options are limited, and those that are open to you are far away from any hip residential centers, or convenient locations. It will also allow you to visit spaces in the worst parts of your new city, barely fit for human occupation and rife with potential physical harm. Even in daylight!
2. Be sure that your timetable for finding an apartment is unrealistically shortened by as many logistical pressures as possible, such as: starting a job, not imposing on friends, or not having enough money for temporary housing. This will guarantee that your stress level will grow exponentially, and when you do find a marginally habitable space, you can jump into a lease without doing the proper research. By doing this, your new place is sure to have that not-as-nice-as-I-thought look that many apartment hunters miss out on.
3. Take your new roommates at face value. If they seem like good people, you won't know for sure until it is too late. Do not be put off by common criteria such as: knowing anything about them, or asking questions about prior roommates. Now, when they are not home, you are free to dread their arrival for hours on end. Who knows what they might have up their potentially homicidal sleeves! (This step is imperative to the completion of step two)
4. Finally, put all of your eggs in one basket. Give them whatever deposit they ask for, even if it empties your bank account. If they don't make you sign a lease, even better. Now, when you come home on day two to find that your key no longer fits, and your ATM card is useless, your only recourse will be to sleep in the street and become one with your new city. Since there is no official record of your transaction, legal action is not even an option, saving you the court costs and hassle of getting your things back.
In the event that the renter/roommates turn out to be legitimate, continue worrying about these, and any other negative possibilities until all trust in your new found living situation is ground to a harsh paranoia by the terrible millstone of the unknown.
posted by eric at 5:16 PM
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